Put God First in Your Life, Everything Else Will Fall Into Place

AHH!!! Lent officially begins next week, but the fasting began today. No meat until Pascha. I have to admit I'm feeling unprepared. Even though I made sure to eat meat over the weekend to get my meat cravings out of the way, there's always that desire to eat meat because it feels forbidden. Luckily not eating meat is easier for me than cutting out dairy. I've never actually tried to not have dairy. I've had every intention of doing it before, even recently for Advent I was going to do my best to not eat dairy, but I gave up on that pretty quickly. This time I'm going to try again. One thing that might help is getting one new vegetable every time I go to the store. Something new to try so that I'm not bored with pasta and salad or soup all the time.

Something else I'm going to do that is new for me is concentrating on becoming a better, kinder person. In my Sunday school class yesterday I gave my kids a sort of assignment to do during Lent. I told them to keep a running total in their head every day of how many times they were mean to someone or did something that was not good. Then at night when they say their prayers at bedtime they could think about how many times they sinned that day and pray about it, and use it to make the next day better. It's a method a friend once suggested for me to use when I wanted to stop cursing. Making note of it would be motivation to do it less and less. I told the kids they didn't have to talk about what they did with anyone, but thinking about it makes it less justifiable or forgettable. I hope it helps them, even if they don't do it everyday. I certainly don't expect that they will do it every day. They probably don't even need to do it everyday, they're such good kids.

I pray that this Lent I can do more to better myself and firmly plant my faith and the Church as my first priority. Everything else fall into place once I really do that. An analogy that I remember from my Christian Ed class at Antiochian Village (my favorite one because it was taught by Sarah Finley, who is a wonderful teacher) goes like this. Life is like a jar that you place everything in. You must put the big things in first, meaning God, then your family, etc. because all the little things will fall into place and everything will fit in your jar. But if you put the small things in first, you won't have room for everything else. I do think I need to take time this Lent and reorganize my "jar".

God Bless,

Bella

Weight Loss Time

It's that time of year when people get self-concious about their bodies. When the new Spring collections are revealed and all the girls want to fit into those tiny sizes. I have never really participated in that. I like having a little meat on my bones, but over the winter I have gained more than I should or normally do, and I need to shed some pounds. My roommate and I made it into a challenge where we keep a chart on which we record our weight every day. Or are supposed to record our weight every day. That doesn't actually happen, and I don't like looking at the chart and seeing that I need to lose 30+ pounds while she doesn't even need to lose 10. Not very encouraging I must say because I always feel like I'm failing. I don't want to lose weight with someone who is already super skinny! (No offense, Christina, you look great.) So I'm going to keep up with my weight and process here so that I have a place of my own where I don't have to compare myself with anyone else. So here we go.

Current Weight: 177

Goal Weight: 134

It's take a lot for me to post my weight on here because I'm very not happy about it. But I need to get motivated not just to fit into my bridesmaids dress and not just because I want to fit into smaller sizes, but I want to lead a healthier, more active lifestyle. It also has some to do with the fact that I get sick a lot and have a fairly weak immune system. Being more active might improve that and I certainly want to give it a shot. Saturday will be my weekly weigh in for keeping up with it here. Of course I'll still keep up with the chart on a daily basis in order to keep a more detailed record.

So here's to weight loss!

God bless,

Bella

Memory Eternal

Life is incredibly short. This is especially put into perspective when someone you love dies. Fourty days ago my younger brother's Godfather, Fr. Seraphim, "passed into Eternity", as my grandfather so eloquently stated in his email telling us what happened. It was rather unexpected. He had some health problems before, but was improving from his last stay in the hospital, and was at home when it happened.

It was Monday afternoon about 2:23pm and I was conversing with my roommate about what seems now to be silly complaints, when I logged onto my email account. I had a few emails, but nothing worth opening at the moment. At the top I had a forward from my grandfather, so when I glanced back down and saw his name again, I first thought nothing new had popped up, but then I looked back because something seemed different. I stopped mid-sentence because I saw the subject line "Fr. Seraphim's passing into Eternity". I quickly opened the email and read it, not speaking a word until I knew that I wasn't just reading it wrong, or misunderstanding his email. My roommate kept asking what was wrong, what happened. Finally I found my voice and squeaked as I began to cry, "Fr. Seraphim has died." Now, I'm not one for crying around other people. I don't like making them uncomfortable, but I couldn't help myself. I realized that I was the first person in my family to know because I happened to be online when Granddad sent the email. Of all the thoughts swirling in my mind in that moment, one stood out: I have to call Mom. I frantically grabbed my phone and called the house. I didn't want my little brother to answer because I didn't want to tell him this way. I wanted my parents to tell him. Thankfully, my mom answered. Crying into the phone, I asked her if she had seen Granddaddy's email yet, and proceeded to tell her what it said.

After hanging up, my roommate sweetly hugged me, and we talked a little about it. I kept thinking what should I do? I can't sit around and cry all day, or all week. I can't be idle in my sorrow. But what is there to do? I've known many people who have died, but all of those were not wholly unexpected, or it was people to whom I was not particularly close. I've known the Scheidlers since I was 3 or 4. They have been some of the most gracious, kind people I have ever met. They have truly blessed my life, and everyone around them. They sent my brothers and I birthday cards, and Christmas gifts, and gave us candy at Pascha. They are the sweetest people.

The funeral was such a testament to their kindness and generosity. St. Ignatius was completely full. My family and I arrived early to see the Scheidlers. The church was dark at first, dimly lit was a modest wood coffin where Fr. Seraphim lay inside dressed in his vestments with a cloth over his face. The funeral was beautiful. There were 6 priests serving and 5 deacons serving, and 4 deacons that did the readings. I cried for part of it, but not all of it. I was glad to see his family. I was glad to see much of my family. I was thankful to be there and to have known him for so many years.

At Fr. Seraphim's death I feel hopeful. I feel blessed, I feel joy that he is with the Lord. I feel grateful that he was a part of my life, but most of all I feel sad. I keep thinking what a devastating loss this is to us on Earth, but what a magnificent addition to the Kingdom of God.

My Garden

Today I began planting my garden. It was tough work because I let it fall into disarray over the winter, but it was well worth the trouble. I started by going to Walmart and spending too much money on flowers and tools. Mostly flowers, though. I have such a weakness for buying too many. I love getting many different kinds and having a colorful, eclectic garden. Then I started into the muck and dead leaves and grass. I raked some of it up, but then had to get down and dirty. Luckily I bought gloves, which are now caked in dirt. It rained, to say the least, for several hours last night, so the dirt was nice and moist. I planted about half my flowers and herbs, though, and I can't wait to plant the rest. Unfortunately it will have to wait until Monday when I can devote more time to it again. I'm anxiously waiting for it.

I have to admit that while thinking about my garden and how I need to take better care of it this year, it coincided with another thought I had a few moments ago. I had been reading my cousin's blog post about Lent, which is coming quicker than I'd like. Talking about my garden has me thinking of how my soul is like a garden. I've planted the seeds of my faith, but that it not enough. It must be watered, weeded, pruned, and nurtured in order to survive and grow. Lately, like my garden, I have let my soul become dishevelled. I have not stopped believing, but let myself fall into a spiritual slump. I haven't been motivated to keep up with my prayers or be involved any more than just showing up on Sunday morning at 10:00am. I haven't been taking care of my soul.

I've been dreading the start of Lent because I dislike fasting so much. I don't like going out to eat and trying to find something fasting appropriate, or going to a friend's house and feeling awkward because I'm fasting, or going to the store and buying yet another bag of salad, or having pasta and tomato sauce three times a week. Most of all I hate walking past the milk and not buying any because that is my favorite drink. Probably my favorite out of anything I eat or drink. There is nothing quite as satisfying as a cold glass of milk, and I hate feeling guilty when I give in during Lent and pour myself a glass of milk. It's not the same. It tastes like failure and guilt. Just like everything I eat during a fast that I shouldn't tastes bad and makes me feel even worse. However, I know I need a good wake up call this year. Nothing gets me out of a spiritual slump quite like fasting and reminding myself every time I eat something that I'm preparing for the Resurrection.

I dislike fasting like I dislike clearing away the muck from my garden. Even my neighbor shouted towards me when he saw me working that he hates that part of it. "Me too!" was all I shouted back. After I said it, I realized I didn't hate it so much. Yes it was gross and dirty and tedious, but when I finally was able to begin planting the flowers, it was all very much worth it. Lent is difficult and tedious, but I don't actually hate it. Of course it's not fun and I dislike it while it's going on, but the result is beyond worth the struggle. Preparing myself for that wonderful Liturgy of Pascha when we sing "Christ is Risen!" and literally feast together all day is worth the 40+ days of working, fasting, and praying (and failing) because it gives the feast more meaning. It makes Pascha my favorite day of the year. Without Lent, without all the hard work, it would be no more than just another day.

I have hope this year that while tending to my garden, and trying to be better at that, I can remind myself to tend to my soul and continue to grow, along with my flowers, in the hope that I can properly prepare myself for the Resurrection.

God Bless,

Bella