Goodbye, Camp

This summer I will not be returning to summer camp for the first time since I was 11, and specifically to Camp St. Thekla since I was 16. It would have been my fifth year on staff, but I decided it was time to let that go. I knew last summer would be just that, my last summer. I didn't actually confirm it though because I wanted to enjoy the time for what is was and not spend my time being sad about not coming back. And it worked, I guess. I haven't been sad about not going back. The timing is right, I have too many other obligations for this summer, and I feel good about leaving. I wasn't upset about leaving, or not seeing my friends because I have so many ways of keeping in touch with them, and I know I've had many wonderful summers at camp. It's time for me to step aside and let someone else experience that too. I was completely comfortable with my decision to not go back until tonight. I don't want to say that I'm uncomfortable now, but I felt a twinge of sadness that turned into watery-eyed sadness when I thought about all the campers I loved, who loved me back, that I wouldn't see again. Particularly the girls from cabin 1, session 1 last summer. My wonderful girls who loved me so well, and made me smile every day. The girls who cried with me on the last night in our rooms and wrote me notes in my notebook on the last morning telling me they love me and saying goodbye. The girls who made me feel worthwhile. As a counselor I've never actually cried with my campers when they left, but those sweet young girls penetrated my defenses and pierced right through to my heart.

Also, my girls from 2nd session who were a very different group of girls, but still made their way into my heart forever with all of our late night talks and funny stories. Those sweet young girls and so many other campers who have impacted my life forever are what I regret about not going to camp this year. I don't regret my decision. It is necessary and right, but I will miss seeing all those smiling faces. I miss it most profusely.

I must admit I'm surprised at my reaction to all this. I saw some pictures of campers on Facebook and that's when all these sentiments hit me. It's surprising. I always thought it would be the other staff members that I missed most. However, they are not. I certainly do miss my dear friends from staff, and I'm better for knowing them, but not seeing them this summer does not make me sad. I know we're becoming adults (weird, huh) and at some point we have to leave camp for good. For some of us, it's part of growing up. It's the way it has to be, and I'm okay with that. I can still contact them whenever I like through many different means of communication. But the campers have clearly left an impression on me that I did not completely see at first, and now do. I don't completely understand it yet, but I know it will last a very long time. I am eternally grateful and will always miss those beautiful, smiling faces.